cummings

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

~a thousand kisses deep~

Love Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. 

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, 

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

 I love you as the plant that never blooms

 but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

 thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, 

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.  

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. 

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; 

so I love you because I know no other way 

than this: where I does not exist, nor you, 

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, 

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-neruda

.writes so beautifully that i cannot see.

there's a thin line between soltitude and loneliness... i wonder which company matters more... and which one affects us more...the solitude or the loneliness?.. there was a time when i reveled in my solitude..enjoy the company i kept in those moments and was content in the little time i had to myself... now im lonely...these very same moments of alone-ness that i have seem to bite me and my head moves about restlessly looking for company... i wonder today if solitude can be enjoyed, only when one is not alone?

~the painting on the wall~

this is the story of a little boi who believes in magic... magic that surrounds him and the miracle of everyday... he stares at the moon and sings to it.. sits down anywhere and starts strumming his guitar.. and spreads about joy and hope... he smells peaches and plays with butterflies and is alone but yet alive.. :)

off late i've been finding it very hard to be myself... to be happie with everything around me. to be content.. it makes me wonder... my life has been the same for the past ten years but this sudden discontent makes me uneasy... i guess it's sad that things that were always pushed at the very back of my head have come to the forefront asking confrontation. i wonder if i can go on like this. i wonder what will happen if i choose to stop. choose to stop caring about those who've meant the world to me and live selfishly in my own little bubble. is it unfair to want peace?...away from the everyday screaming and yelling... feeling drained at the end of the day.. fighting to survive yet another painful morning.. is it really wrong to want to go away from it?... but then i look at her.. fighting and struggling..looking around for my hand..and my heart breaks...all over again and guilt overpowers me, negating every other feeling of freedom... the drill is the same and i know it wont change but i wonder how long i can be around before i break. moving out would kill her but would i be able to love her if i chose to stick around?... my mind is muddled and it makes me sad.. to see such a beautiful woman crumble at the hands of destiny.. i wish i could make it all go away..give peace.. to her and me.. i wish i could put all the wrongs right..and not feel so helpless as i feel now.. i am trying my hardest but is it enough? will it ever be?.. and does she even see it?... or will she forever shun me??.. but i love her still and want her to love herself too... i wish i could do something to make it all go away.

and colour everything else!! :):)

~lulu~

lulu's are fun things to have... i found a new way of colouring my hair!

soon the head will be clear...and the pangs will stop... the constant checking of the phone for a call or even a message will halt....the sleeplessness will turn into slumber.. the yearning will cease... and eventually i will stop missing u as much as i do right now... time will heal me and i will move on... for better or for worse... but a part of me will still remain with the memories we created... and every now and then a sudden memory will trigger an unasked for smile...and for that i will always be grateful.. for there is love... and it will always be.. deep within me... we're still going strong.. and we always will.

In this city of blinding lights,
lays sprawled the heavy darkness,
An unending abyss of death and sorrow
and yet there is joy in new life and success,
An interwoven web
creating shadows and highlights.
We, embrace it all,
The dark shadows and blinding lights.

Today it's different... for they don't understand
what it's like to be caged
like an animal - captive.
Innocent until proven guilty - they say
Prove me guilty - i say,
For I am not the man you want,
I am the victim -
Of lies, deceit and betrayal.
Yet, I shall stand tomorrow,
After all these falls,
A tougher man - A better man.

mukungarh ki kaichee

this village is known for its scissors...they are known far and wide for the sharpness and accuracy of the scissors they make...

years earlier their ancestors made swords for the maharajas and now they evolved into scissor making as the times changed and they needed to survive...but the lack of work and the goodness of their work are the reason why this art seems to be dying... their scissors once bought will last u a minimum of thirty yrs and even if u cut iron for 5 continuous yrs it wont become blunt!...and so the people who buy them never come bk!!...

among the many scissor makers only two families survive and even now their children have taken up other jobs. yesterday i met a scissor maker who would not talk to me. he would sit and continue working while i stared in awe at him working the metal.

it took a lot of coaxing and prodding to finally break in...and when i did i found this amazing warm person conflicted by his present times and the lack of work but carrying within him a love for his art and a devotion so deep that i had to respect him. a humbling experience...

we sat and had chai..showed them videos...talked to the little girls who fought with their older brother...listened to the old mother who had so much to tell...they were talking and how!...pouring all their fears and stories into one conversation...feeling exhilarated and sad at the same time..we left having given a little and getting a lot back.

these scissors are special and one has to own one to know it!...

milann john!...the mastermind behind the crime...

travellers...on the same beat
abhinav saxena...so sound!

~mukungarh~

the shoot's finally happening!!...from the moment i started off on this project to now... things have been falling into place...like the planets have alined togther to make this shoot successful!!..and im grateful..

this is my final diploma shoot which i chose to shoot in a little village called mukungarh..my ancestral place and a place thats gettin lost...taking along with it my history and identity...I started out by comin here on my own with mum and looking around..the initial recce in the freezing winter...and the light breeze of spring..now finally here in the scorching heat of this summer to shoot this film..

mukungarh is a small village in the northern region of rajasthan..three hours from jaipur it belongs to the shekhawati region of marwar!...this time ive come here with a part of my crazy crew... there's a sound guy and we call him abhinav... the brain i call milann and myself...and the most important production person here...my mum and the cook..krishnaji!!.. :D...we're stayin in my aunt's haveli here...the rooms are ancient and the stone is rustic..the place is tucked away in time and yet moving towards rapid modernization..

CHANGE... being the crux of my shoot...stories of the past and the realities of today...all in one architectural wonder of stone, morals, customs and memories...

the place moves me and even the heat doesnt tempt me to leave...this feeling of belonging here even though i have never been here has immense power and it's here to stay...

some pics coming up here soon...for more insight check out http://milann.blogspot.com/