~a thousand kisses deep~

Love Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. 

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, 

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

 I love you as the plant that never blooms

 but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

 thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, 

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.  

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. 

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; 

so I love you because I know no other way 

than this: where I does not exist, nor you, 

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, 

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-neruda

.writes so beautifully that i cannot see.

there's a thin line between soltitude and loneliness... i wonder which company matters more... and which one affects us more...the solitude or the loneliness?.. there was a time when i reveled in my solitude..enjoy the company i kept in those moments and was content in the little time i had to myself... now im lonely...these very same moments of alone-ness that i have seem to bite me and my head moves about restlessly looking for company... i wonder today if solitude can be enjoyed, only when one is not alone?

~the painting on the wall~

this is the story of a little boi who believes in magic... magic that surrounds him and the miracle of everyday... he stares at the moon and sings to it.. sits down anywhere and starts strumming his guitar.. and spreads about joy and hope... he smells peaches and plays with butterflies and is alone but yet alive.. :)

off late i've been finding it very hard to be myself... to be happie with everything around me. to be content.. it makes me wonder... my life has been the same for the past ten years but this sudden discontent makes me uneasy... i guess it's sad that things that were always pushed at the very back of my head have come to the forefront asking confrontation. i wonder if i can go on like this. i wonder what will happen if i choose to stop. choose to stop caring about those who've meant the world to me and live selfishly in my own little bubble. is it unfair to want peace?...away from the everyday screaming and yelling... feeling drained at the end of the day.. fighting to survive yet another painful morning.. is it really wrong to want to go away from it?... but then i look at her.. fighting and struggling..looking around for my hand..and my heart breaks...all over again and guilt overpowers me, negating every other feeling of freedom... the drill is the same and i know it wont change but i wonder how long i can be around before i break. moving out would kill her but would i be able to love her if i chose to stick around?... my mind is muddled and it makes me sad.. to see such a beautiful woman crumble at the hands of destiny.. i wish i could make it all go away..give peace.. to her and me.. i wish i could put all the wrongs right..and not feel so helpless as i feel now.. i am trying my hardest but is it enough? will it ever be?.. and does she even see it?... or will she forever shun me??.. but i love her still and want her to love herself too... i wish i could do something to make it all go away.